And as you pray in your darkness
For wings to set you free
You are bound to your silent legacy
fiftysomething years ago
the dark legacy of a genetic curse
brought forth into the light
two sons…younger brothers striken
a father’s anguish turns inward
blinding him from seeing
the innocence of his firstborn daughter
she wished with all her little heart
to be daddy’s little girl
But she was met with silence…..
They will never understand
They wonder where did they go wrong
How could you be so selfish
Why can’t you get along
And then the sickness struck her
dim memories of hospital beds and IV’s
puzzled doctors scribbled
“unknown etiology” on chart
as she laid battling dehydration
the ravages of three days of high fever
treatment of choice uncertain
until visible evidence of infection surfaced
localized on her three year old throat
But her journey into silence had already begun….
Your body is alive
But no one told you what you’d feel
The empty aching hours
psycho babble at prestigious John Hopkins
battery of tests spits out an number
what does an IQ mean anyhow?
the conclusion, she was a manipulatior
jealous of the attention given her retarded brothers
“Don’t let her take the easy way out”
the experts advice taken as gospel oath
mother and father disbelieving her truth,
she really couldn’t hear
but her voice was met with silence…..
They don’t listen to your reasons
As original as sin
Deny all that you feel
And they will bring you home again
new kid on the block
a school for those who could not hear
culture shock for a precoccious 7 year old
wanting so badly to belong
in the same class as 10-12 year olds
they were jealous of the teacher’s pet
so they bullied, taunted, and oscratized
“kids will be kids” her parents dismissed her tears
planting the seeds of her own personal Columbine
but she chose the way of silence….
The natural progression
Is the coming of your age
But they cover it with shame
And turn it into rage
she became an island in the midst
of endless eddys of conversation
at family meals, gatherings, watching tv
that silently swirled over her head
her lipreading and quick intelligence
grasping and filling gaps in the voiced words
like an never ending jigsaw puzzle
she was a part of the family
yet not a part of the family
in the world of her silence…..
You are digging for the answers
Until your fingers bleed
To satisfy the hunger
To satisfy the need
she grew older, living her life
the way her parents wanted her to
no sign language allowed, pity was unheard of
softball superstar each summer
high school diploma, college diploma
reaching higher and further than her early deaf peers
her parents love and approval assured
but she was ever on the fence
not completely belonging to the hearing world
nor to the silent world of the deaf…..
They feed you on their guilt
To keep you humble keep you low
Some man and myth they made up
A thousand years ago
she knew from an early age she was lesbian
so terrified of discovery and disapproval
she did not emerge from the closet for a long time
she pretended to have crushes on boys
for her mother so loved making dresses
for the few school dance dates her daughter had
she never once heard her father say, “You’re pretty”
soon the “when are you going to get married”s died away
she treasured her secret crushes and fantasies of other women
keeping them locked in the silence of her heart….
Mothers tell your children
Be quick you must be strong
Life is full of wonder
Love is never wrong
she hid her first lover for five years
embracing the “dont ask, dont tell” dogma
until the day arrived that she outed herself
mother and father said, “we’re not surprised”
“why didn’t you trust us enough to tell us?”
anger and the tears exploded in counter accusation
“why didn’t you trust me enough to ask?”
and she realized just how many bricks it had taken
stretching back through the years of her life
to build that wall of silence
and who taught her to find the bricks in the first place….
Once they gave you the answers
Now they give you hell
Remember how they taught you
How much of it was fear
she has been out of the closet all these years since that day
things have been and will never be the same
they taught her too well how to be silent
and they taught her too well how fickle trust can be
she is now at a mid-life crisis, perhaps
but definitely rebelling against their silence and their guilt
finding that inner child to set her free from her silence
finding a healther and stronger way to trust…
then maybe, just maybe…..forgiveness will be found….
And the wall of silence will tumble down at last….
The legacy stops here
Oh, my child……
And as you pray in your darkness
For wings to set you free
You are bound to your silent legacy
© L. Kupfer
all rights reserved
itacilized verses borrowed from “Silent Legacy” by Melissa Etheridge
